The 2012 Golden Pipe Awards
So then, here we are again my friends, the single greatest awards ‘show’ on the face of the planet is back - The 2012 Golden Pipe Awards! Zero budget, zero bullshit. Well, actually there’s quite a bit a bullshit but at least we didn’t nominate Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close for Best Picture or Transformers: Dark of the Moon for anything, just on principle. It should go without saying, but just in case - if a film is nominated for an award, then it’s fucking brilliant and you need to watch it. If it wins then it is the very best of a very very good bunch. Unless it is stated otherwise. So please do yourself a favour and watch as many as you can.
As with last year (see here) we have two amazing special guest hosts who we feel sum up both the values of The Film Pipe and also the state of the last 12 months:
Pippa Middleton’s Ass & Lady Gaga’s Meat Dress
On with the show!
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Best Film
There were so many amazing films in the last 12 months. SO many. Narrowing this down to 5 was pretty hard so honourable mentions must go to: Take Shelter, 50/50, The Ides of March, 13 Assassins, The Skin I live In, The Guard, Kill List, The Tree of Life and Another Earth. All great, just not as great as these…
Nominees:
- The Artist
- Drive
- Shame
- Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy
- We Need to Talk about Kevin
And the Winner is….
Shame
You’ll often hear all sorts of superlatives thrown at a film, most of the time they’re close to the mark but often the film is good, interesting but little else. Shame truly is the most powerful, disturbing, stunning piece of film-making I’ve seen in a while. The subject matter (sexual addiction) is not for the faint of heart but is handled masterfully by McQueen, who uses dynamic camera work to focus on the pain of his flawed characters. Fassbender is outstanding in the lead role and Carey Mulligan is captivating as well; both give the best performances of their careers. This is as good as films get - raw, inventive and penetrating…
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Best Director
Best Director has always seemed like a strange award to me, maybe it feels too close to Best Film, like another chance to award the same thing. Just me? Anyway I still like it, and there’s enough of a difference semantically to throw a couple of other names into the hat. Here, those who have shown flair, confidence and creativity are given a go, even if the final product wasn’t as good as it could have been. And the brilliant work is also in there too. Hey at least Woody Allen isn’t nominated for an OK-at-best film.
Nominees:
- Paddy Considine (Tyrannosaur)
- Steve McQueen (Shame)
- Lynne Ramsay (We Need to Talk About Kevin)
- Lars Von Trier (Melancholia)
- Nicolas Winding Refn (Drive)
And the Winner is…
Nicolas Winding Refn
While there’s no denying that Drive is a great film (because it is) this could have gone to any of the nominees. In the end it was the variety and consistency of Winding Refn’s cameraness in Drive that won over. He goes from the brutally violent to the beautifully elegant and does it all to a sweet electronic soundtrack, the film is continually a joy to watch. This guy is a real talent and I’m looking forward to seeing what else he can produce, oh and if you haven’t seen Bronson (staring Tom Hardy) then do so very now.
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Best Actor
As you might have noticed I’ve been using some of the most Manly Action heroes in the pictures here (don’t worry some lady ones are coming up), the leading performance roles are some of the most important ones in creating brilliant films. There have been some gargantuan ones this year (I’m running out of adjectives) so lets see ‘em.
Nominees:
- Michael Fassbender (Shame)
- Gary Oldman (Tinker Tailor Solider Spy)
- Peter Mullan (Tyrannosaur)
- Michael Shannon (Take Shelter)
- Ryan Gosling (Drive)
And the Winner is….
Michael Fassbender
Like I’ve said up there (^) Shame is really really amazing. And it owes a Huge credit to Michael Fassbender, whose partnership with Steve McQueen (they also collaborated on Hunger) is the new Scorsese/De Nero. In a strange way his portrayal of Brandon is somewhat reminiscent of Bret Easton-Ellis’ Patrick Bateman, only with all of the satire and black-comedy taken out and swapped with a horrifically fragile, broken and heartbreaking honesty added. To think that he could get better is as frightening as it is exciting. And also he has a massive cock. Seriously, even George Clooney said so.
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Best Actress
Much like with Best Actor, having a Lead Actress give an earth-shattering depiction can pull you into the film and manipulate your emotions. This was (again) such a tough one to call, I even considered going for a draw between two of them, such was the phenomenal quality on show. Read on to find out which one won out…
Nominees:
- Olivia Coleman (Tyrannosaur)
- Tilda Swinton (We Need to Talk about Kevin)
- Kirsten Dunst (Melancholia)
- Viola Davis (The Help)
- Elizabeth Olsen (Martha Marcy May Marlene)
And The Winner is…
Tilda Swinton
I just want to say that Olivia Coleman deserves all of the applause that can be given for her role in Tyrannosaur, not only was it a hell of a breakthrough after years on Peep Show, but on it’s own merit it has to be seen to be believed. So to say that she was pipped to the post by Tilda Swinton should go some way to showing that Swinton gave us something extraordinary (I found my thesaurus). In the hands of a lesser actress I think it would feel forced and tiresome to watch, but Swinton is a distressed, nerve-wrecking mess. Post Traumatic Stress has never felt so personal or all-consuming.
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Best Actor in a Supporting Role
Supporting Role Awards are a strange bunch and can often be in the middle of foul play as studios pitch leading actors into Supporting categories (and vice-versa) in an attempt to get a better chance at awards. Well we bow to NO Studio! That and they don’t even know we exist. While they may seem insignificant to some, the supporting roles can illuminate and steal the show adding further context and meaning to the film. Or something.
Nominees:
- Kenneth Branagh (My Week with Marilyn)
- Philip Seymour Hoffman (The Ides of March)
- Albert Brooks (Drive)
- Christopher Plummer (Beginners)
- Ezra Miller (We Need to Talk about Kevin)
And the Winner is…
Christopher Plummer
At 84, many would easily dismiss Christopher Plummer in favour of younger, hipper, more popular names. Those (somewhat hypothetical) people are idiots. It looks like this might be the one award that the Oscars agrees with us on, which would be great as a heartfelt, poignant performance such as this deserves all of the recognition thrown it’s way.
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Best Actress in a Supporting Role
So this award has seen a bit of bullshit at them Oscars recently, last year Hailee Steinfeld was nominated for Best Supporting Actress for her role in True Grit when not only is she clearly the Lead Female but pretty much the only female in the whole film! Ah well, c’est la vie folks. As with all of the categories this was a toughy but in the end a winner had to be crowned…
Nominees:
- Charlotte Gainsbourg (Melancholia)
- Rachel Evan Wood (The Ides of March)
- Carey Mulligan (Shame)
- Octavia Spencer (The Help)
- Melissa McCarthy (Bridesmaids)
And the Winner is…
Charlotte Gainsbourg
Working with Lars Von Trier is paying off for Gainsbourg who also excelled alongside Willem Dafoe in Antichrist and is set to play some part in LVT’s next film The Nymphomaniac. Seriously. In Melancholia she has a brilliant chemistry with the equally wonderful Kirsten Dunst as the two slowly descend into a pit of apocalyptic fear and depression, pulling us down with them.
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Best British Film
So you know how before I said that it was really difficult to narrow down the best films of the year into a list of 5, then I mentioned some of the others that didn’t quite make it and there were some absolute belters missing… Well I’ve totally cheated by adding this category in. It’s basically just another way to do another Best Film award. Because we’ve been spoiled for choice and there’s been loads of fantastic British films to enjoy this year. Many of which were in some way funded by the UK Film Council, which the Government is intent on abolishing, while complaining that the UK Film industry doesn’t make enough Hollywood-esque money making Blockbusters. Well guess what Dave Cameron, Fuck You. Did you hear that? Fuck You.
Nominees:
- Perfect Sense
- Senna
- Tyrannosaur
- Submarine
- Weekend
And the Winner is…
Tyrannosaur
Can I have a 5 way tie? Please. Perfect Sense blew me away at the cinema, it’s the most grounded-in-reality end of the world story I’ve ever seen and focuses on the emotional loss of humanity as well as life. If there was a Best Documentary award Senna would be a no brainer; thrilling, exciting, full of twists and turns and ultimately a tragic story of a brilliant athlete gone too soon. Submarine is a truly British coming of age story of a shy awkward boy, filled with bleak awkward humour. Richard Ayoade shines behind the camera and gives hope that we’ll never turn into Hollywood. Weekend is a really touching film about love, relationships and identity, in which the fact that the two leads are men is almost secondary to the honest and unapologetic search of meaning. If you have a US Netflix account it’s on there at the moment so go see.
Oh yeah, I guess I should discuss the winner… If you know anything about the roles that the director, Paddy Considine, has played then you’ll know what to expect from Tyrannosaur. It’s dark, powerful and really hits you hard with some distressing scenes. But it is never viciously manipulative just for the sake of it, rather it’s a tough tale of pain and redemption with brilliant performances from Peter Mullan and Olivia Coleman. Is there anything that Paddy can’t do?
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And now on to the more Traditional Film Pipe Awards
Best Moustache
What makes a man? Is it the words he says or the things that he does? No. It’s the moustache. Think of the most Manly Men you can… Do they have a moustache? If no, then thin of one who does. He is more Manly. Man. Moustache.
Runner Up -
Clive Owen [Killer Elite]
And the Winner is…
Jean Dujardin
You might wonder why the Runner up and Winner are not the other way around, given all that stuff I just said about being Manly. Well luckily I didn’t define Manly so I’ve given myself some leeway. Dujardin’s elegantly crafted, smooth, well defined pencil ‘tashe not only calls back to a lost time of the respectful, elegant GentleMAN but also looks really badass. It has more style in those two whiskers that Lady Gaga will in her whole stupid career (sorry Meat Dress). It really is a thing of Manly beauty.
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The Arnold Schwazenegger Award for Best One Liner
We honour our heroes at The Film Pipe. Is there anyone more of a Hero than Arnold Schwarzenegger? No, because of his one liners. There are so many (160 here & 130 here) that we fell his legacy must live on. Arnie, we salute you.
Runner Up:
“Auf wiedersehen, Asshole” - Bridesmaids
And the Winner is…
Hobo with a Shotgun
Abby: “You can’t solve all the world’s problems with a shotgun.”
Hobo: “It’s the only way I know.”
The great man himself would have been proud of this one. Cocky, abrasive and it makes absolutely no sense. But it’s a great way to leave a conversation and fits nicely into this daft action flick.
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Best Film we Haven’t Seen Yet
At least we admit it.
Runner up:
The Descendants
And the Winner is…
A Separation
Martha Marcy May Marlene was a close runner for this award but I saw it last week. It’s very good, not great but better than 95% of the shit out there. Anyway, A Separation. Dunno, haven’t seen it. I really want to though, who wouldn’t want to see an Iranian film about a couple breaking up. But seriously, it really is supposed to be amazing and I’m definitely getting hold of it when it’s released on the DooVeeDee.
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Trailer of the Year
A little tantalising glimpse into the future that rarely lives up to our hopes and dreams. Trailers. Most of the time they follow the exact same pattern as each other, but every once in a whhhile one comes along that is better than most films. Can you guess which one it is?
Runner up:
Prometheus
And the Winner is…
The Dark Knight Rises
[Trailer Link if it hasn’t loaded - Here]
Seriously, I saw In Time at the cinema and (apart from Amanda Seyfried’s gorgeous face) it was a bit shit. The Trailer for The Dark Knight Rises was better than that whole film. I even went to see Sherlock Holmes 2 (not a fan of the 1st one) just to see said trailer and left when it was over, because that film wouldn’t have been nearly as good. Safe to say I’m pretty excited for it. The IMAX Prologue was great too.
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Best Poster
Even less information than in a trailer, here we just get an iconic still image to represent a whole film. Or some crude innuendo, character montage and hint of titty. Whatever.
Runner up:
Into the Abyss
And the Winner is…
Bellflower
I haven’t seen Bellflower. And I probably won’t ever get around to it. But this poster make me want to. There’s a massive explosion and a sweet car, I’m sold.
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Worst Film Title
Luckily even before seeing the trailer or poster we can judge a film on it’s title alone. Killer Clowns from Outer Space for example. It tells you everything you need to know. But some just have to go too far, and are also really bad.
Runner up:
Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close
And the Winner is…
Man on a Ledge
Man on a Ledge. Palm on a Face.
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Homosexual Undertones Award
Don’t take this award the wrong way, it’s not a witch hunt. Queen hunt, maybe. No it’s not, it’s a celebration of the art of the subtext. Themes that run below the explicitly announced but are detectable through careful observation. Like the gay subtext in Top Gun. We love Top Gun. It’s just an excuse to talk about Top Gun.
Runner up:
Sherlock Holmes A Game of Shadows
And the Winner is…
Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy
Anyone? Just me? OK. Well, there is something really repressed about this film, obviously with it being about spying (or is it?) lots of things are held back and kept under wraps. But I also felt that there was a strange sexual tension between the guys. Still no? OK I just didn’t want to give it to Sherlock Holmes 2, it was too obvious.
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Worst Film of the Year
Right, as I’ve said, there’s been so much wonderful film stuff that we should all be happy and celebrate YAY! But let’s be honest, the majority of films made are utter garbage, some even offensively so. And I blame the public because they keep paying to watch that shit, so I have to keep enduring it. Why o Why o Why…
Runner up:
The Hangover Part II
And the Winner is…
Jack and Jill
Does anything need to be said? I hate Men dressing as women “comedies” at the best of times (except of course Some like it Hot). And also we get to see Al Pacino kill himself on screen. Jesus fucking titty Christ. AVOID.
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The Tommy Wiseau Award
If you are unfamiliar with the Legendary Tommy Wiseau then find a copy of his début feature The Room NOW. It is THE WORST FILM EVER MADE. Trust me, I’ve seen them all, Troll 2, Plan 9 from Outer Space, Manos: Hands of Fate, the lot. But the thing is, not only is this devastatingly bad but he also (supposedly) funded it all himself, for $6million! And he genuinely thinks it’s a masterpiece. So that’s what this award honours, not only the worst crimes against film, but also the sad disillusioned souls who think that their massive disgusting shit, don’t stink. When it really, really does.
Katherine Fugate & Garry Marshall
He looks like a nice old man, and how could anyone hate her with that lovely hat? Well reader, brace thyself.
Yep, these two are responsible for two of the WORST films of the decade. In consecutive years. This cannot be allowed. I don’t mind happy films, The Muppets is so good, I laughed and smiled the whole way through. But that has charm and heart. Valentine’s Day and New Year’s Eve have dozens of repugnant ego whore ‘celebrities’ all covered in false sparkly glitter and with absolutely no soul, depth or meaning. Utter shit, all of it.
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Yay that’s it! I hope you’ve enjoyed it and admit that it’s way better than those Oscars everyone keeps talking about. If you have an opinion on anything let us know, we love a bit of banter. Tell all of your friends to have a read, unless you though it was shit, then tell someone you hate to read it instead. And if you know anyone who we gave an award to, let them know! How funny would that be? (5/10)
Thanks a lot for being a part of The Film Pipe, we are retiring it as of now but the site will stay open so you can read through your old favourites. Remember that awesome films are out there, you just need to look. Be safe to yourself people.
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